Therapy

Have you ever went to therapy? Well if you have not then you won't know what Im about to talk about and if you have, well you may find what I have to say a little known and interesting. You might even find a comparison in there somewhere, one can never tell.
I started therapy yesterday for myself due to some things that have been very traumatic for me. Its still very hard for me to discuss openly about unless of course you already know and if you do know well you know how hard it has been for me. I was stuck at a fork in the road for quiet some time and I had to make a decision and I fought and fought with myself over this decision and I beat myself up over it everyday now. I can't take my decision back because well, its too late to do so. Too many involved so I according to my therapist am punishing myself by not eating. I was a little shocked to hear that however it makes perfect sense. I always punish myself in some way when it concerns my kids if Ive done the wrong thing. Now don't misunderstand me, I know I can never be the perfect mom, no one can but I damn sure will die trying to be everything I can be to them. Anywho I was answering her questions and each one opened a wound that wasn't completely healed and the salt kept pouring into it and the tears flowed and flowed. I started to question myself after leaving therapy as to whether or not I will keep my next weeks session. I decided to do so because I know that I need it. I have a lot of open wounds that haven't had a chance to heal because I haven't dealt with them properly therefore thats why the pain is still so great. I will get through all of this and I will get through it with the support of my husband and some of the worlds bestest friends a girl is lucky to have! More to come....

barbie

A great accomplishment

As many know I write, I write poetry and Im writing a book and today well today was a great day! I had wrote a poem about my 14 yr old daughter and I submitted it for publishing and I got the call and email today that it was selected for publishing! It will be copy written and etc. I can't begin to tell you the joy of excitement that I had from that! I was so amazingly stoked from that great written piece of work that is mine! I love to write and it doesn't matter what its about I just enjoy it! Anyhow, I just wanted to share with you all who didn't already know!

Struggles

I took a vow years ago to be a good mom, to be the mom I dreamt of having for so many years. I remember when I had Machelle and I was so excited to finally hold her in my arms and to have this precious life before me and depending on me to care for her. I loved that precious baby with all of me and then she passed away to SIDS in 94.
I then went into a downward spiral not truly realizing what was happening to me. I mean yes, I lost my child; my beautiful baby who I cared and loved so much. I then got married to her father February of 95 and on our honeymoon Kimberlie was made. What joy I was in! I did EVERYTHING the drs told me to do throughout my pregnancy. I cared for not only myself but for her and then one cold December morning she was ready to be brought into this huge world that we all live in! I was so ecstatic beyond belief. I couldn't wait for to take her home and to just be with her and cherish every moment of her little life. Here's a snippet of the letter I wrote to her while in the hospital after giving birth to her.
Dearest My Darling Kimberlie,
I just went through the BEST pain in my life to bring you into my arms. I can't tell you how excited I am to be given a second chance at being a mom. I promise to love, cherish and take care of you the best that I can. I am so honored to have you as my daughter. Your dad is filled with just as much joy as I am! You are sleeping in the bed provided by the hospital but don't be alarmed you are here next to mom. I love you Kimberlie and my love for you began the moment that I took the test to find out their was life beginning to form inside me! I have so many plans for us, for you, for me just being your mom. I will be there for you no matter the pain, or the tears or anythign that life gives us. I am here for you always as I have always wanted a mom to be there for me. I love you Kimberlie...Mom
Now that is just a part of the letter which has been tucked into a very small diaper that I will give to her when the time is right, right now its not! I have been through some tough challenges in my days but the obstacle that has been laid out before me now, well Im not sure if my legs are long enough to jump that but I will stay strong and I will be here as I promised years ago. Thats what moms do, right? We are there for our children no matter what! I haven't given up and I won't give up, we are not victims we are survivors as I have told her MANY a times! We will get through this and I know that we will, it might take us a little longer but we will get there. I have faith in us that we will.
Anywho, I hope the best for us as well as I do for you all. May you all have a wonderful evening and my head is not hanging low it is held high!

~There are moments in my life where Im not proud but there are many more times where I can count how many I am proud of where I have been and where I am today because where I am today is who I want to be and where I want to be tomorrow~ Barbie

Our day at the park

We took the kids to the park yesterday afternoon after a long Friday and a house cleaning spree during the majority of Saturday! They helped us in a lot of our adventures on cleaning of the house. Randy and Coty went to his room (Coty's) and they removed the trundle part of his bed to clean out and I went in and suggested in storing the trundle portion since it's not used often and it will give him more room for his things.
So we moved it out of his bedroom and they got the rest of the room pretty much cleaned. Well, except for the fact that his clothes were all over my sofa but hey they will get picked up and put away! No biggie.
Kimberlie decided to try on her Halloween costume and show us what it was like and I have to admit, it looked great on her! I will add the picture of that after I get one with her having tights on beneath it. She is growing after all and needs to have those beneath it and she even asked for them if you can believe that!
Randy and I got cleaned up and off to the park we went and here are some photos from our day with the kids at the park. I hope you enjoy seeing them as we enjoyed our day with them!

My other blog

Come fcllow me on my cooking blog for recipes and dinner ideas and etc! I have started that blog due to the amount of emails I get for recipes that I make. So come with me and let's see what's cooking!


http://barbie-theloveofcooking.blogspot.com

Stinkerbell

Italian Vegetable Salad

Weekly menu

Monday:
Grilled wrapped bacon pork chops
mashed potatoes with gravy
corn
Rolls

Tuesday:
Italian Pasta Bake
Garlic bread
Indian Vegetable Salad

Wednesday;
Mini Taco Bowls

Thursday:
Ham and Potatoes in Crockpot

Friday:
Kids go to their dads

Ramblings

Why is it that a friend is a friend until a new friend comes around? Sometimes friends change and sometimes we change. We all grow in different ways and we all have different points of views and likings of different things. For example, I enjoy my family time when I have it and some still have a family but would rather still enjoy the party life. Now don't misunderstand me here, I enjoy a good party however I'd rather my kids not be around when Im enjoying that. I don't want them to see me drinking to the point where I lose control and I don't have issues with my friends doing that but I keep my opinions to myself. Ive seen some of my friends change entirely over the last several years. Ive seen some get married and Ive seen some get divorced, some have kids, and some who have kids but don't really spend a lot of time with them. I have seen a friend on a downward spiral for a while now but is it my place to say anything? I am afraid that if I do say anything am I going to upset this person and we not be friends anymore? What if I say the wrong thing and what if we never talk again? Regardless sometimes we all just end up in different places and we all get to where we are going at some point. Anyways I was just rambling really!

Superman getting wrestled?

Yes this was my son's doing! I was really concerned and not for superman but for him because he was seriously jumping onto this crazy contraption he built from the trampoline! He was pretending to be on Smack Down! His friend Zach was doing the same thing until I actually saw what they were doing and then that was IT!!!